By Kara Bell
College is a wonderful time in your life to discover yourself. As you surround yourself with new people, countless opportunities to get involved, and exciting chances to discover new passions and lay down the groundwork for your future, you will be exposed to many new viewpoints. You will be faced with making decisions and forming opinions of your own, which can be scary for someone just leaving home. Lucky for you, we have created a seven step guide to help you become the most accepted identity on a college campus – a Leftist.
Step 1: Absorb the political messaging your college projects at you the second you step up to the registration desk at orientation. Pick up on words like diversity, inclusion, privilege and equity since they will come in handy later as you slowly start to repeat them in every conversation, paper and argument during college. If you don’t catch on immediately, consider strolling through the hallways and reading posters plastered on the walls of your academic buildings or your dorm to develop a better understanding of what you should believe. If you still need help, attend the campus’ diversity and inclusion training run by the Left’s most dutiful followers – you’ll leave counting your privilege points!
Step 2: Join a student organization your university encourages most, like Students for Choice, LGBTQ+ Allies, Coalition Against Environmental Racism, College Democrats or Sex Out Loud. They will be easy to find since your school guarantees them a prime spot at the Organization Fair each year so that you don’t need to face groups with political views different from the majority of your peers or campus administration. Those shameful groups are usually assigned a table on the highest floor, in the darkest corner or sometimes, they’re not allowed to table at all! Whew!
Step 3: Memorize every opinion your professor spews in class, even if it contradicts facts, basic economics or even common sense. Remember, professors are always right, and the more you think like them, the more they will like you. Pro-tip: When a student questions the professor’s lesson, be sure to raise your hand, repeat the professor’s points and then call the student any word that’s fitting (see below a list of our suggestions). To be sure the student doesn’t express their opinion anymore in class, be sure to troll them on social media. That’ll teach ‘em.
Step 4: If you still have free time between studying and protesting, consider running for student government. Luckily, the entire student government is already packed with students with beliefs the same as yours, so repeat what they want to hear and boom! You’re in. Just be sure to vote against any grant for a group that holds different political opinions. Oh, and be sure to allocate more money and resources to groups with higher privilege points because, as our leaders have so proudly shown us, they couldn’t succeed without the help of we allies.
Step 5: Now that you’re confidently reciting the Left’s political agenda and promises, it’s time to sabotage and eradicate Reagan-loving groups on campus to protect the feeble minds of freshmen. Conservatives like to bring in incendiary speakers, lead activism projects that promote free enterprise, free speech, and worst of all, a pro-America doctrine. We can’t have incoming students think we’re a campus that – dare I say it – supports the president! We need to join together and fight this toxicity by disrupting their meetings, pulling the fire alarm during their speaking events, hosting rallies and protests, and tearing down their posters. It’s for the greater good.
Step 6: At this point, your circle is so narrow-minded and self-absorbed, that you can start taking up larger projects on campus with total support from your friends and professors. Try removing, destroying or drastically replacing any sort of meaningful history of the university that could be remotely offensive, and create an over-hyped petition to trash it. We like to stick to petitions because they encourage the most mindless activism and it’s the easiest way to get confused students to sign. Oh, and if the administration ignores you, be sure to have a long, impossible list of demands ready. Blow this up in the news to get more attention and always order an administration member to resign.
Step 7: Campus has now mutated to become a cesspool of your ideas. You’ve worked hard during the six years it took you to achieve your Gender and Women’s Studies degree, and you deserve some credit. Consider applying for a faculty or administrative position so that you can continue your work indoctrinating those younger than you.
Remember, you are always right and conservatives will always be racists. Using your feelings instead of facts is a tested, effective way of arguing and using harsh words, raising your voice and trolling anyone who thinks differently from you has also been an effective way to silence them.
Comprehensive List of Tactical Words:
- White Supremacist